Well I had one of those days today. I was walking to the cafeteria for supper tonight and was rudely reminded by my memories of an event that recently took place in my life (recently being within the last six months or so). My face felt warm again and my heart was pumping faster and without even realizing it until it was too late, I let out the loudest groan. It is absolutely fascinating to me the way the body reacts to emotion. The french guy that I was sharing the walkway with probably thought I was crazy, the way I was involuntarily carrying on. I quickly sucked in my breath realizing that I was sharing my regret with a complete and total stranger who probably by now was thinking that I didn't have all my marbles together. I noticed he walked a little faster after that. Oh well.
That little episode got me thinking about all the decisions that I have made in my life. The small ones, not seemingly significant at the time, and the big ones some of which I wish I could do over. I've often wondered when people say "live life with no regrets" what do they really mean by that? how can you make a mistake and not regret it? No one, last time I checked likes feeling foolish, or like a failure or just plain dumb. I have often played and replayed scenarios, decisions, conversations, actions (the list goes on) in my mind wishing I had done things differently, wishing there was a different outcome, wishing for anything else but the reality staring me right in the face.
Being here in France has really forced me to think a lot about the decisions I've made along this journey of mine. Its really intense when you don't have a lot of distractions. I'm on top of a mountain for crying out loud. All I do is study french, so I've got LOTS of free time. Lots of time to think about everything. Some decisions made I am content with and others well, obviously are a little unsettling. I haven't really been able to say that I have no regrets. I do have regrets, lots of them actually. Surprisingly though I have realized that sometimes it's good to have the painful memories re-lived. They are certainly not enjoyable to say the least but they do remind us what not to do (I'm trying to be positive here) clearly the mistakes I have made I could live without them, really I could, but they are made and there is nothing left to do except live with them and I suppose that is part of what makes us stronger. Realizing our mistakes and learning from them. Pain forces us to grow, I truly believe that and as much as I hate to have my little wincing/groaning sessions that weird people out, I know that in the long run I have hopefully learned my lesson and will opt for a different choice the second, third or maybe even fourth time around (hey, it happens).
2 comments:
Ludine,
When I went to France, I had the exact same experience. I thought a lot about myself, who I was, why I was that person, and what decisions in life brought me to think that way. I thought about things I wish I wouldn't have done or said, I thought about decisions that had been good for me-- like going to France. Yes--you do have LOTS of time to think about those things. Sometimes after my 11 o'clock class, I'd go eat at the Caf and go to my room to do homework until 2:30. After that... my brain was free to roam inside its innermost realms.
One thing I promise though, when you return from your amazing journey in Western Europe, you will have changed. You will have grown. You will be stronger, better, wiser. Life comes with regrets (LOTS OF THEM) but like you pointed out, those painful decisions we have made cause our growth, our self-actualization as human beings, and as Christians. Keep going strong. When you return from France, you won't want to trade your time there for anything, for many reasons, THIS introspection being one of them.
Good thought, girl.
OH MY GOSH! This was amazing! You are amazing! This is such a real situation right here...hilarious.
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