Fallen, but not Lost

I have been attending a weekly Bible study on Tuesday nights since being here in Collonges. It's just a few of us, but that's okay. We've been studying Genesis the last few weeks and last night we had a discussion about chapter 3. I have read Genesis before, "Our little Friend", "Guide", family worships and some of my own devotion time helped contribute to my education of the "In the beginning" story. I think the last time I read it in it's entirety was sometime in middle school but that's besides the point. It's self explanatory right? God makes the world, God makes man, then woman. They fall in love. Eat from the tree, then human race is almost doomed, Jesus to the rescue, Amen.

There's more than that though. We looked closer, dug deeper to find some very enlightening things.

Among the many points in this chapter, here's what suck out to me:

Verse 20- "Adam named his wife Eve, because she would become the mother of all the living."

I noticed that throughout the time Adam and Eve had been together before the fall he had called her 'woman'-

Chapter 2 verse 23

The man said,
This is now bone of my bones,
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman'
for she was taken out of man.

I think to myself, immediately after 'woman' gave him the fruit and they realized their vulnerability everything changed. Maybe at that point, they felt that they were no longer "one". Something wasn't vibing anymore. Woman had come from man but he couldn't trust her anymore. Things were different. He named her Eve. He felt hurt for the first time. Separation occurs.
Man's curse was that he would toil with the land for the rest of his life. Nature wouldn't work with him but against him. Men who burry themselves in their work today possibly as a distraction? Avoidance possibly?
Woman's curse was that she would have pain in childbearing and that her desire would be for her husband. So true, even today. I don't care how feministic or tough you are (myself included of course) we all desire men. We want to please them, be recognized by them, be their treasure or less. Media tells us all the little "secrets" we should know in order to keep our men around.

We messed up big time.

I often wonder what would have happened if?

if Adam hadn't eaten the fruit and asked God to spare Eve's life. I mean really for beings who had never experienced the emotions of sin; blame, shame and nakedness, they were intelligent enough to immediately think to themselves, "umm let's sew some fig leaves together because we shouldn't be exposed like this" they should have been intelligent enough to think, at least Adam, to deny the fruit and ask for some kind of alternative plan.

if Adam really loved 'woman' than maybe he would've asked to die in her place. That would have been romantic.
That was not the case however and we cannot turn back the clock. We can however see that even from the beginning man and woman have had their issues. Sin not only placed a wedge between us and our Maker, but between each other as well.
So what do we do? We hurt each other, want each other, loathe one another, "need" the other, deceive each other, love each other, make idols of each other... the list goes on. Thank goodness for God's love.

I am highly interested in the human psyche, and the way that men and women relate to each other fascinates me. How can we learn to love each other truly and become "one" again the way God wants? So many walls have been built, innocent hearts betrayed, and hopeful spirits crushed. Trust issues, love issues,compatibility issues, all kind of issues... what fascinates me even more is that God intended such deep, and meaningful relationships for the three of us: man, woman, and Him. Unfortunately, it's not that easy but there is a way.

Accept God's love for you.
Love Him back.
Trust Him. Then,
Copy Him: Love others.

I do believe that the way we can learn to love is by learning how God loves. Maybe this won't always make sense, we are human and cannot comprehend what God expects of us. We just walk blindly. We walk until we fall right where he needs us to be, with who we need to be with.

We are fallen, but not lost.

Hebrews 10:36
'You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.'

I think that goes for everything, even relationships. All types.

We are all vulnerable. That is a fact of life.

One day Adam and Eve will be man and woman again. One day.

He answered before I spoke

My struggle and His response:

I'm not brave.

I'LL LEAD YOU

I'm not eloquent or good with words.

ALL I NEED IS A WILLING SPIRIT

I'm hurting.

TRUST ME, I CAN HEAL IF YOU'LL LET ME

I can't even figure out how to follow your commands.

WALK WITH ME

I might be a Pop and a Trad- but definitely not a Rad. Not yet anyway.

LET ME HELP YOU

I always mess up.

I DIED FOR YOU

I don't always stand up for You.

I DIED FOR YOU

I let you down.

I DIED FOR YOU

I compare, criticize and judge unfairly.

I JUDGE FAIRLY

I keep trying to "find myself" but without You.

HOLD MY HAND

I'm inconsistent.

I'M CONSISTENT

I'm so lost.

I'VE FOUND YOU.

He answered before I spoke.

He knew what my heart was saying.

He answered before I spoke.

Paris Je t'aime? Part 2

Days 1, 2, 3 & 4- Go to Versailles, some old hospital in Orleans, Chateaux de Chambord, The Eiffel Tower with the school. Live off of croissants and bread and cheese the whole time.

Get lost in an art district. People ask if they can sketch us, paint us, draw us. We find La Sacre Coeur. I am reminded of the Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, "Passport to Paris". Flashback to childhood. I may have squealed.

I eat the best crêpe EVER.

Day 5- sit in McDonalds for three hours and eat twice. Watch weird music videos.

I notice that EVERYONE smokes in Paris, and EVERYONE looks the same. They wear a lot of black.

Meet up with our couchsurfing host Michelle. Awkward moments at her best friends birthday party. Good conversations with everyone there.

Day 6- It's the sabbath. We sleep in then listen to John Nixon's sermon online.

Day 7- Meet up with some of our fellow ACA peers and go to the Sacre Coeur for the second time. Shopping is had.

Ate a Kabob. It was tasty.

Later, we make our way over to Jim Haynes home for a delightful evening. I get some business cards and a picture with Jim Haynes. I also purchase his book "Everything Is".

Day 8- We walk the streets of Paris, visit the Notre Dame. More shopping. Feet hurt.

Later, we meet Michelle's friends and fellow Parisian couch surfers (apparently there are 10,000 in Paris and they were ALL there. It seemed that way anyway) at an "Irish" pub that was really American (they were playing American football on the TV).

Played a quiz game in teams. The prize was a bottle of Vodka. We lost.

Day 9- I have finally mastered how maintain balance when riding in the Metro so as not to fall into strangers when it abruptly starts moving.

We walk the streets of Paris, visit the Louvre. More shopping. Feet hurt, a LOT. Eat at a "natural"/bio restaurant. It was okay. Not worth 12 euros though.

Go back to Michelle's flat. Hang out, write a song about Pesto Rosso while playing her guitar.

We get dressed- we're going out. Benjamin has connections. We go to Duplex.

I danced with the Parisians until 5:30am. Feet are on fire.

Day 10- get back to Michelle's place at 6:30am. Sleep for two hours.

Say our goodbyes and hop on a bus that takes us to Brussels.

What an adventure.

Everything Is.

Another great night in Paris.

I just left the home of Jim Haynes, who for thirty or so years has been hosting parties at his home. He lives in Paris but is American and has written many books and leaflets concerning all types of topics; politics, love/sex, life, just to name a few. Great guy.

Let's rewind a few weeks back when Austin McAllister, my roomate, asked me if I wanted to go to a gathering with her. She read out loud to me the information she found on yahoo answers about Mr. Haynes and I said why not. Fastforward.
Upon arriving to Mr. Haynes house I realized that at the moment, we were the only considerably young ones there. I was afraid this would turn into a "old people trying to be young again, drunk party". So wrong.

I had the priviledge to meet all types of people from different walks of life, education, background etc. There were few young people and many well-seasoned individuals which frankly didn't bother me in the end because I realized that I could obtain nuggets of wisdom, be in the company of really interesting people, do some networking AND hear some really great stories.

For instance:
I met a group of women who met in Saudi Arabia in the eighties (most from the states and one from england) and for the last 25 years have been meeting up to travel! All from different walks of life, states, countries but they've formed a bond and plan trips together.

then, I met a German girl who is currently a representative in Paris for German Vogue. Her and her muslim friend, Austin and I had a lovely conversation about pirates, Berlin, Muslims and Christianity. We even shared a metro ride with them and they offered to host us if we ever made it to London or Berlin. Très cool.

I got a chance to glean some knowledge from a really cool lady, a writer from New York who's book has been translated into 17 languages already! I also got to do a little chatting with a Psychology/Social Work professor who lit the fire underneath me all over again. I felt like I had passion again. It was great.

Of course, I chatted a bit with Jim Haynes himself, who is a delightful gentleman- and I bought his book "Everything Is". All in all it was quite an adventure and an eventful evening.

Hooray for Jim Haynes!

Paris, Je t'aime? Part 1

Five days in Paris so far. Five more to go.
It started out as a class trip. Before arriving in Paris we visited Chambord (the hunting chateaux of royalty long ago) and Versailles, both of which were extremely breathtaking. If only walls could talk. I wish.

I did all the touristy stuff of course, the Eiffel tower, the boat ride down la ciène, Notre Dame, the Arc of Triumph etc. It was grand. Now that I am officially on fall break, (the school left those who decided to travel for break) I am currently couchsurfing at a Parisean's flat. We, Austin McAllister and I, had a great time last night meeting Michelle, our host, and her friends. It happened to be her friend's birthday last night and although the night started out a little awkward at first, being that we random chics were yelling surprise at a complete stranger's 25th birthday party, the evening ended smoothly. Everyone was very nice and wanted to know lots about America, so I tried as best I could to answer their questions. One guy, thinks that he has an American soul. He put it to me has having the "American dream". He was born on the 4th of July, loves American film, jazz, and would like to visit New York one day.

I had an interesting conversation with a guy named Benjamin about religion. It was short and brief. I don't quite remember how we got on the topic but pretty soon I was telling him that my dad was a pastor. He looked puzzled and asked why he was allowed to be married.

I said it was because we aren't Catholic.
So, you're Protestant?
Yes. I answered.

He proceeded to tell me that he is Catholic but he doesn't practice. In fact, religion doesn't really interest him at all. He quickly added that he respected those who practiced religion, maybe he thought he was offending me somehow. He mentioned that he believed that there was something bigger out there taking care of things but religion was just not for him. His eyes were challenging me quietly after a moment of silence, as if he was wanting me to explain why I was "practicing religion". I said that for me, I had nothing to lose and so much to gain. He looked interested for a second at my reply but then we got interupted by the blowing out the candles of the brownie cake.
That short and brief conversation really confirmed something in my mind: No matter who we are, or what we believe, we cannot escape the connection we have with God and that, is pretty awesome.

Just Thoughts

Have you ever had an embarrassing moment in your life re-lived vividly in your mind but you're somewhere in public? Like say you are shopping, flipping through clothing racks and all of a sudden a shocking wave of memory takes over your brain. You are now grimacing, wrinkles lining your face like you just took a sip of milk gone bad. Or maybe your in class or at work, drifting off into your daydreams and then...BAM! You wince or maybe even chuckle nervously, because you remember a careless decision made in the past that felt like you make it yesterday.

Well I had one of those days today. I was walking to the cafeteria for supper tonight and was rudely reminded by my memories of an event that recently took place in my life (recently being within the last six months or so). My face felt warm again and my heart was pumping faster and without even realizing it until it was too late, I let out the loudest groan. It is absolutely fascinating to me the way the body reacts to emotion. The french guy that I was sharing the walkway with probably thought I was crazy, the way I was involuntarily carrying on. I quickly sucked in my breath realizing that I was sharing my regret with a complete and total stranger who probably by now was thinking that I didn't have all my marbles together. I noticed he walked a little faster after that. Oh well.

That little episode got me thinking about all the decisions that I have made in my life. The small ones, not seemingly significant at the time, and the big ones some of which I wish I could do over. I've often wondered when people say "live life with no regrets" what do they really mean by that? how can you make a mistake and not regret it? No one, last time I checked likes feeling foolish, or like a failure or just plain dumb. I have often played and replayed scenarios, decisions, conversations, actions (the list goes on) in my mind wishing I had done things differently, wishing there was a different outcome, wishing for anything else but the reality staring me right in the face.

Being here in France has really forced me to think a lot about the decisions I've made along this journey of mine. Its really intense when you don't have a lot of distractions. I'm on top of a mountain for crying out loud. All I do is study french, so I've got LOTS of free time. Lots of time to think about everything. Some decisions made I am content with and others well, obviously are a little unsettling. I haven't really been able to say that I have no regrets. I do have regrets, lots of them actually. Surprisingly though I have realized that sometimes it's good to have the painful memories re-lived. They are certainly not enjoyable to say the least but they do remind us what not to do (I'm trying to be positive here) clearly the mistakes I have made I could live without them, really I could, but they are made and there is nothing left to do except live with them and I suppose that is part of what makes us stronger. Realizing our mistakes and learning from them. Pain forces us to grow, I truly believe that and as much as I hate to have my little wincing/groaning sessions that weird people out, I know that in the long run I have hopefully learned my lesson and will opt for a different choice the second, third or maybe even fourth time around (hey, it happens).

Camille

One of my new favorite french artists:

Ta Douleur :
Lève toi c'est décidé
Laisse-moi te remplacer
Je vais prendre ta douleur

Doucement sans faire de bruit
Comme on réveille la pluie
Je vais prendre ta douleur

Elle lutte elle se débat
Mais ne résistera pas
Je vais bloquer l'ascenseur...
Saboter l'interrupteur

Mais c'est qui cette incrustée
Cet orage avant l'été
Sale chipie de petite soeur ?

Je vais tout lui confisquer
Ses fléchettes et son sifflet
Je vais lui donner la fessée...
La virer de la récrée

Mais c'est qui cette héritière
Qui se baigne qui se terre
Dans l'eau tiède de tes reins ?

Je vais la priver de dessert
Lui faire mordre la poussière
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus rien...
De tous ceux qui n'ont plus faim

Dites moi que fout la science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
Tu n'as pas mal là où je pense !

Qu'est-ce qu´elle veut cette conasse
Le beurre ou l'argent du beurre
Que tu vives ou que tu meurs ?

Faut qu'elle crève de bonheur
Ou qu'elle change de godasses
Faut qu'elle croule sous les fleurs
Change de couleur...
Je vais jouer au docteur

Dites moi que fout la science
A quand ce pont entre nos panses ?
Si tu as mal là où t'as peur
Tu n'as pas mal là où je chante !

***

I found this really neat quote on a friends facebook page earlier today and decided to add it. It's simple, yet so true:

Always forgive,
but never forget.
Learn from your mistakes,
but never regret.
People change,
things go wrong.
Just remember;
life goes on.